my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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