I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
