I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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