Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He kissed a someone with a penis
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
