I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Can I color on your dick again?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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