3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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