mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"