Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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