sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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