Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
