gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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