Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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