its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
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Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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