he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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