i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
