By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
