i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
