Welp...herpes.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
