I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
