alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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