hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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