I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
