I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
