apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
