That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
