after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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