You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
