So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
