Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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