see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
