My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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