some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
two words...techno handjob
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
