I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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