i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
