My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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