I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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