I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Houston, we have a squirter
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
