If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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