I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
