You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
