We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
