cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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