I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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