from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.