The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
