My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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