this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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