What a fucking waste of an outfit
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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