he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
