I think my fart just growled at me.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
