3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
