If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
