Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
