are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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