She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
