what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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